Self-worth...

For the eighth time I look up from my laptop's screen and scream at my 4 year old as he picked up the bottle and put it to his mouth instead of drinking water from a glass. Since screaming wasn't helping, i thought i did give him the silent treatment. Not more than a minute passed and he plunged on from far, right into my arms, hugging me so hard that i choked a bit. Surprised by his tight hug with his tiny hands, i pulled him and asked him 'What?', now trying really hard to act stern and hide the smile and he smiles broadly and says, "I know you love me mumma!Gussa nai karo, me nai karunga wapis! I love you". with that he sealed our little make up by planting a tight, wet kiss on my cheek. And again, as is the usual, even before another moment passed, he picked up the bottle and held it to his mouth, though with his eyes on me this time, waiting for me to look up from the laptop screen, and as i look, a cute little cunning smile spreads across face and as soon as my eyes started to widen, he started laughing, pulling a glass and pouring water into it with a broad smile spread across his face as i nod with a similar smile.

The innocent, unaltered, unfiltered basis of emotion tells a million things we prefer ignoring. As we grow older, we start realizing or assuming, if i must say, our "self-worth". And with that realization, we shelter our ego and leave the doors open for emotions like anger, hurt, depression enter and stick around. 

How many times do we end up affecting people the same way? Sometimes purposely, sometimes out of habit. but we do it. How many times do we let go off people because of our assumptions? 

Whatever happened to spread the love? We always think anger is the worst emotion. If you look closely, anger is plane innocence to express what you don't like. But to hang on to it and gloat in it... that is where the problem lies.

My personal experience says expectations is the worst emotion possible and is is responsible for the worst that happens. How many times do we say, 'i was always there for a certain person in the times of his need..but when i needed him, he wasn't there for me'.. and then we end up feeling hurt, angry, dejected, depressed, left out, only as a result of our expectations.

A very dear friend once sat through my ranting of how my closest friends have deserted me and how when i need them, they aren't with me, she nodded all through and in the end she asked me one question, "Did you try reaching out?"

We often think, the answer or solution to our anger is making the person realize how hurt we were, obviously holding them responsible for staining our self-worth. So we go all the way with our sarcasm, cold war, silence to show the person how hurt we had been. Often we succeed, we end up making the person feeling sad, hurt, angry and lost. But to melt it down...is that the platform we give our self-worth? 

If happiness is the moral of the story, why don't you shape the story accordingly.

A very very dear friend told me once, your family members are the relations God's decided for you. You don't have a choice but to put up with them and be influenced by them. But your friends, you should choose. You are not obliged to stick around people who necessarily, repeatedly hurt you and those who you can just not please.

We hold unto our losses, our hurt, our anger only because our self-worth is in question. But if you filled much happiness within, that you only see the best things in others, their wrong won't seem so bad anymore.

I read it somewhere, that 'Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality.'

Anger, hurt, losses, depressions, dejections, happiness, smiles, praises, forgiveness and love... they increase as much as you share them.. Share wisely, love blindly:)and forgive easily.

In the end, remember we are all looking only for two things, each one of us, no matter how subtly we show it or how loudly, but that's what we need and that's what we don't give- Approval and Attention. 

A cocktail of emotoins !

I was cooking last night and decided to make some rice. I opened the box of rice and took out a cup of rice and without warning there were two creeping pink worms crawling on my fingers and one had reached my arm by the time i jerked it away. Suddenly,i realized all the tiny threads felt like crawling worms on my body. I kept jerking my body at every small touch of fabric, thread or tip of the table, everything was a crawling worm going up my body.. Its a feeling, physical, that we know but when we experience it, the meaning changes all together.

Like a creeping worm, the sensation it sends, we know theoretically what it should feel like and even as we think of it we jerk a bit to throw the feeling away, similarly we know how hurt should feel, how depression would feel, how sulking should feel, how betrayed would feel and when we see a person suffering of the said feelings, we, almost all of us have one golden advice..."move on, let go".. but when a person goes through these feelings, moving on and letting go are the only difficult almost impossible things to do. Each one who is sad, depressed and sulking knows emotions unknown. They feel their heart twist, turn, bend and burn in ways theory can never explain.

But having talked about sadness and depression, as a tiny little being of this universe, have you ever wondered how many varied feeling are we capable of? and have you noticed how only happiness, smiles, politeness, understanding are the emotions that are receptive by all? Easily acceptable, aren't they? To do good and to be good are almost the same side of the coin. No matter how many people advice and no matter how important those people are, unless you don't want to, you won't let go or move on. Each one of us possess the power to be sad and happy at our discretion. If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought.

But we underestimate ourselves, we struggle with loss, hatred and betrayal. We consider them our misfortunes and feel essentially deficient. We let ourselves possessed by these feelings and hold the people associated with them as the root cause of our stress. But if we surrendered, things would be different. If you look at the larger picture, only what has to happen, will happen. That doesn't mean we give up and wait for things to happen. But holding onto feelings and letting worthlessness win, is unfair. To you and to people around you. So open the pores you have blocked, let the stream of utter happiness flow in you. It's really easy to do. Surrender. Stop the blame game. No one but you take responsibility of your feelings. And you are the most welcomed when you have a smile in your heart. Strain the bitterness, shed the dullness, throw the dark and kiss the sun! The next moment is new. Forgive now, repent now, let go of it and fly. Be blessed!

Let go...

i have a habit of going onto google and reading meanings and quotes on certain topics. Be it random, subject relevant..anything.. these days with a striving need for a change of heart, i explore topics like love, hate, expectations, depression, judgement, envy etc.. but what stares right at my face is the ugliest, most harsh of all emotions- ANGER. Its the most ridiculous of all emotions, because, not everyone understands, but anger is a robe we create and wear around ourselves to protect us from our own shortcomings.. by that i mean, our expectations for ourselves, self judgement and comparisons to others. When I read a lot of things about anger, i came across some very insightful and interesting concepts that make sense.. If you bear with me, I would want to present those concepts with reference to my understanding.. the one's in Italian are google searches and below them, my thoughts...spit the anger, exhale out the disappointment, leave the expectations and let go...

"A natural reaction to pain or being hurt is anger. It’s part of the instinctive animal nature of any being. When we perceive a danger of being hurt, the fight mechanism of anger helps to ensure our protection. The misleading element is when our mind perceives the cause incorrectly."

Over the past few months, from turning 24 to 25, i faced some life changing moments and learnt that letting go off things, is in fact the biggest lesson, we ever will learn. You would say am going on a spiritual tangent, but truly, if you look at causes of anger, they are frustrations, disappointments, expectations.. how easy it would be to let go off a few standards we create for ourselves and expect other associated with us to live up to those standards..?

"However a person’s belief system doesn’t necessarily operate on rationality. It operates based on beliefs and assumptions. We often aren’t aware of how our beliefs operate and how they create our emotions so they may seem hidden. These beliefs aren’t really hidden. It’s just that we haven’t gone looking at them before. Too often we accept our first thoughts about things or the surface level assumption without reflecting deeper. "

having come across the above quote, i question, is it fair to even have a belief system..? shouldn't we  let even that go? what is our knowledge if not composition from the experiences in the environment we are in, emotions we encounter from the people we meet, compilations of various societal norms and certain religious, ancient figments? and what more is our belief system if not a summary of our knowledge... aren't we then limiting ourselves?
Wisdom then, to me, is letting go .. belief system restricts us to think in a certain way, to do a certain things, to follow a certain pattern, but if in that pattern, if in that system, if in that way, we fail the basic need of life, happiness..then whats the point? if we fight guilt of doing whats wrong, because society judges and so we decide on  self-judgement, if we feel hurt because we believe we have to be treated in a particular way,we stress over deserving a particular amount of respect...isn't then the smart thing to do is.. letting go? letting go off these funny ideas we have? letting go off these certain benchmarks we have created? letting go off the self worth that blinds us?

"emotions can build up over time until our efforts to keep them repressed slip and produce an outburst over the smallest triggering event."

 "There’s a distinct difference between triggers and causes of anger. When you don’t have awareness of the underlying beliefs you can make the mistake of focusing on the trigger and missing the cause."

When we let anger embrace us, if we let ourselves burn in anger, if you examine yourself at that very moment, your ability to rational thinking is gone..you have a cape of enrage of such magnanimity that your belief mistakes the people associated with the cause of your anger to be the cause of anger...!
What i mean to say is, I might have a certain expectations from life, for example, like i have to live in a certain way, i deserve a certain attention, i expect to have this and that and when you are challenged by facing a person with all these "luxuries"(mind you, inverted commas, because, again its a belief), your anger gets triggered, that is not the cause of your anger.. that person, harmlessly just lives a life bestowed upon him/her, but you associate them with your anger, and you feel agitated when around them or when they are mentioned..you might not have an angry outburst but due to your anger you might say spiteful things against them, or measure your own self-worth...but what happens in return? we end up wounding ourselves and in a lot of cases the one who's triggered your anger too...

"Once a person becomes aware of the self judgment and self rejection from the inner judge he directed his efforts at dissolving them. By eliminating the self judgments the person will no longer have those painful feelings of unworthiness and not being good enough. Without those painful feelings there is no anger from the fight or flight mechanism in the person's mind. "

if you really want to learn what is letting go.. then watch this moment.. you embrace it and let go off it or you dont' embrace the next.. this moment soon shall be "that" moment..if you know what i mean ;)

In the end, i ll summarize my thoughts to a beautiful, ever inspiring song by Kishore Kumar

Aanewala Pal Jaanewala Hai
Ho Sake To Iss Mein Zindagi Bitaado
Pal Jo Yeh Jaanewala Hai

Ek Baar Waqt Se Lamha Gira Kahin (2)
Wahaan Dastan Mili Lamha Kahin Nahin
Thoda Sa Hasaake Thoda Sa Rulaake Pal Ye Bhi Jaanewala Hai Ho Ho

Fall in love with "right now"

No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change.

- Barbara de Angelis

---

life's good when its full of surprises..surprise yourself by holding your tongue when it wants to lash out, surprise yourself by letting go off your ego, surprise yourself by achieving a target, surprise yourself by testing your limits of stamina and running an extra mile, surprise yourself by making someone smile, surprise yourself by not falling prey to your weaknesses..  guaranteed you will fall in love with life and yourself...!!

how much time we waste wanting to sleep for 10 more minutes and we end up sleeping for an extra hour..:O .. how much respect we lose as we speak off accuses and abuses and false stories in anger or malice and we end up ruining relationships..:/.. how much peace of mind do we disturb as we fall back on our targets and end up frustrated..:|..

why give yourself any concession from happiness?

my friends who have known me for long, would know what i talk about and would understand the change in heart.. but for those of you who think i am preaching, No,,,sorry to have come forth like that, if i may.. a heart that's always negotiating for a little more happiness, pushes me to tolerate a bit more, stops me when i have a severe need to argue to prove myself, helps my tongue to remain held back when i want to say the worst things, is pleading for me to spread the happiness..

life's too short and so unpredictable that it caught me off guard more than once.. and am not taking anymore chances of wasting my life in addictions, laziness, anger, malice, dishonesty, ego... i am grabbing this very moment, doing what i love the most and smiling all along...! as i close my eyes in prayers and gratitude, i feel for your happiness from the bottom of my heart...

and for a few friends and people who i have hurt in past with my words and deeds, i ask for your kind forgiveness and pray for your happiness,,,

signing off,
yours sincerely,
Somi:)

the world pauses..to moan for its losses...!

When i read history as a kid, and read about various legends like Tagore, Shakespeare, Einstein, Sir Issac Newton, Madame Curie and many more respect worthy Heroes, who changed the way world worked, who brought in a revolution, I merely read their names. Not taking any respect or credit they truly deserve from them but having not witnessed the revolution myself and having to come into a world made comfortable because of heir innovations and contributions and to merely have read and to respect them are one thing...

but as a growing teenager, as i heard my dad playing Ghazals on the cassette player, on the car radio, and when as a college student, as i bought my first cassette of Jagjit Singh album of Ghazals, i truly went into a deeper more meaningful world..my most favorite of his compositions was 'ye nayan darre darre, ye jaam bharre bharre' i have been singing it in times alone and with friends and every time i sing it, Jagjitji's voice echoes in my head and mesmerizes me..! As a working professional, when there was no time for friends and smaller luxuries like time..his composition,'ye kagaz ki kashti' felt comprehensive.. and it took me to my childhood.... if something is so powerful to bring tears to your eyes, so mesmerising to pause the rest of the world, so indulgent that u loose yourself in the moment, then it surely deserves an ovation, a standing one at that.

as i see my 3 year old playing with my iPhone, i see how conveniently he browses through it and finds his desirable games..without an effort , he unlocks and locks and controls volume.. that is when i truly appreciate Sir Steve Jobs. Innovation was never defined better. To be creatively innovative is to be able to make something extraordinary and to keep it significantly simple.

two men, who made history, the men of our times, the men who changed the way world works, who contributed in making it a better place. iSalute and sing along your glory! there's a hole in the world suddenly with this loss...! and we learnt what it takes to create history! 

Mumbai meri jaaaan...!

three months in the city and long drunken night by worli sea face, clubbing all night, coloba shopping, roadside tandoori chicken on bandra station, more clubbing, loads of train journey with sweaty co-passengers, getting stuck in traffic for over 4 hours for a 15 km drive, theft, comedy store at Palledium, hours in malls, Aksa beach, getting completely lost in powai with similar looking buildings, hours of shopping on sales, movies back to back, waiting by the window watching rain, staying awake for three days three nights playing the host, making new friends, reuniting with the old, and boom! a bomb-blast!!!

It had my breath held for hours till i knew all friends family were safe, but i cried that day.. i cried for mumbai and i felt for it.. i embraced it and my heart ached for it..
i smiled when i saw it gathering itself, standing up and starting to run by the very next day...!

When i had to move to Mumbai from ahmedabad three months back, i resisted, i twitched inside, i was scared to be lost in the big city, i was apprehensive to adjust with high rents, i refused to have a family life restricted to late nights and sundays, i feared the practicality of things in this city, most of all i thought i would never fit in and accomodate myself in the routine of The City, Mumbai itself..
But Mumbai.. it accommodates one and all and it pushes you to keep running..
indeed the city of dreams....the energy of this city has me in its flames of fire..!MOre than anything, the city's pace is an inspiration in itself.. its spirit is so alive that it embraces you, nomatter who you are! It triggers my creativity and makes me want to make my place here...
Mumbai makes me move, groove, makes me laugh and cry, makes me yearn and satisfied all at the same time.. never before have i felt this belonged in a new city.. Cheers to Mumbai!  

the box under the book of love...

After a few sentences exchanged, automatically, evidently, inevitably, each time that i have made new friends, we somehow end up at the question of love. if you are married or in love, everyone's interested in knowing other's story of love.. a story that always leaves people smiling and wondering.. each story of love is so special and so unique..

incidentally, i have made so many new friends and narrated my story of love so many times that its by heart now, word by word... but is that truly the story that matters..

My point is, we are always shown a picture perfect for love, but is that all? is love waiting for hours for each other, sharing all dirty and good secrets, doing wild things, going on mad drives at midnight, watching movies together, writing mushy letters to each other, arguing one moment and then cuddling the another, dancing in the rain, walking by the beach, resting under a tree, sitting hours in just silence of togetherness, buying silly things for each other, singing songs after couple of drinks, is this something what you have in mind when you think of a story of love? when a gal meets boy, boy meets gal, they laugh and argue, they party and socialize and "accidentally" fall in love and become inseparable. however we start a story, if it ends up with girl and boy falling madly compassionately terribly in head over heels, rollingly and quite roaringly in love..  so much so that they end up thinking marriage would be the ONLY(i exclaim, so you understand the depth of what i mean) salvation to their love... and then... they m a r r y...

NO No , am not starting the typically same story about gal meets boy, love happens, marriage too and then starts nagging, taking for granted, complains, MIL nags, complications.. don't wait for melodrama about how love terribly changed and my life was ruined after marriage and how my husband took me for granted...i have been all over there..been madly, blindly in love, fought with parents to marry to remain in love, got married, fought with his parents for obvious reasons, fallen out of love, betrayed, anchored back, won over, head over heels in love again, mysteriously disappointed at times, but mostly in plain comfortable zone of love, happy and reconciled and i call it my little box of love, a box where i store away all these years of togetherness, to which when i give one look, it revives me out of disdain and gives me the ability to fall in love again..i  plan to have this zone longer..

Because in these 10 years of knowing my husband(mark it, knowing, not 10 years of marriage), from day 1 when he started wooing to this day, we carry our own boxes of love, separate from one another, but of each other, with borrowed happiness, with shadows of sadness, with a few achievements and a trail of disappointment, with a few layers of awesomeness and some rugged ones of the years taken for granted, but owing to our varied perspectives, we choose to have them apart. and i know i open my box every now and then to bring me a new shade in love, to redeem any reining dullness, to remind me to love the man who for sure takes time out to open his box of love too...how else, otherwise, does he too smile and gaze like an ever so surprised and indulged lover. how does he put a neat velvet cover over my book of blunders and own upto it and decorate it with frills and colors, so much so that it intrigues my very core and how does he, otherwise, embrace it with full responsibility?

and no matter how long i go on to explain how the magic of love works, married or not, presently in love or not, if once you have loved, you know its magic and its just not worth regretting if just the person involved is not part of your life anymore, moral of the story is Peter Gabriel's got me speaking and i am gonna leave you now with the comfort of cherishing love....go on, slip out your box of love and refer to the book of love as you indulge in some heart felt memories...

sealed with love
Somi

Nani ka ghar...

i just sat with my legs folded, my hands embracing them tightly to my chest and i just sat and stared into void as rain drenched me, i just sat on my Aai(maternal grandmother)'s house's terrace( in puri, orissa )and i just stared into void as rain made my hair wet and they fell on my forehead and shoulders and i shivered. This is the house where i learnt togetherness, where i jumped and ran and screamed and played with my cousins.. this is where most of my holidays were spent.. this is where a part of heart remains, always...

my youngest Mamma(maternal uncle) ailing from quadriplegia was taken care of by Aai for 14 long years..it was her routine, she lived for him.. for 14 years, she got up to only turn him on his bed so he didn't get bedsores, for 14 years, she brushed his teeth, for 14years she fed him tea with a straw, for 14 years, she fed him before she ate, for 14 years she had a companion[considering my ajja(read maternal grand father) died  16 years back] right by her bed. He just lay, ever so waiting, waiting to be turned, waiting to be fed, waiting to be scratched..

and she just faithfully lived and pampered her baby of 44 years at her own old tender age of 76, she just smiled, and made her way along for him.she ignored her knee pains, her aching back, her bending body and her swollen ankles, she complained seldom with her priorities straight, she lived for him and made sure her baby was comfortable, through day and night.

when we visited on holidays, we sat in their room as he told us stories from the TV and of his own. We watched movies together as Aai would slip out her tressure box from under the bed, her box of Masalas and Beetle leaves, she made tiny paans for all of us(cousins) and teased us and pampered us. we sat with them and watched the rain from the window and later made boats and put them in puddles outside his room...

he was her living encyclopedia, he knew what medicines she had to give him and what she had to take, he knew what channels were there on the TV set, he knew she had a stock of biscuits in the cupboard, he read messages on the phone for her, he even read the newspaper, they talked about all the relatives and sat together through the night as Aai made pan for both from her big box of masalas and Beetle leaves. 

they were each other's world, one lived for another.. they knew no other routine. We all lived in our big cities with the only comfort that both of them were fine with each other.. always worried what Mamma would do lest anything happened to Aai at her old age. but they were a team, they pulled on...

everything went on like it was, until the morning of 14th of July, 2011, when suddenly in his sleep, Mama left the cage of his ailing body and passed away, just like that. not a word of pain, nor a complain..He just left.. and left us all in a spell. in a spell of shock, in a spell of confusion, in a spell of anxiety and in a spell of fear.

shocked we were because he didn't show a trace of pain or a sign that he was going..

confused we are because we don't know if we shouldn't be happy for he is now free...

anxious we are for my dear Aai doesn't know an alternative living, she always considered she was going to be the first one among them to go. 

scared we are to teach Aai a new routine, a new way, a new life...

i sat on the terrace of the same house, wondering if Mama ever dreamed of coming out to this terrace and staring like i did, as am surrounded by trees so green, the wilderness of a village and rain drops. i wonder if he wanted to be ever so free.. he is now and i embrace myself stronger to feel him standing somewhere nearby, contently exalting in a life after death.. I prayed for his soul, i prayed for my Aai, for her to move on...

i packed my bags and watched her wiping her tired eyes as tears rolled down her wrinkled cheeks and lips stained of Paan masala as she's week to speak. the house was not the same, not for me, not for her, for none of us... for 14 years we came to a duo, the duo who made us smile. for 14 years we came to the house with the hope of progress..

Death won and freed my Mama and the house is just not the same anymore. As the Taxi honked outside my Aai's old big house, to take us to the airport, i hugged her and asked if she would make me a paan. She smiled and hurriedly took out her box of tressure, made me a Paan and packed it with love. and as i put it in my mouth and waved her good bye, i felt warm tears rolling down my cheeks. 

My first love, my first companion, the partner in crime, my love at first sight!!

He took me for walks, he took me for rides, saved chocolates for me and made up stories to make sure I smile... We would sit hours through the night talking about the whole world, we pushed and scratched and almost killed each other and later laughed... he counted the number of scratches i made with my nails and i counted the swollen marks...we screamed, shouted and blamed each other most of the time, we shared, we nurtured, we laughed and were there for each other all the time..

i was one and he 4, when Mom says he refused to accept chocolates if the person giving it didn't have two(one for him and one for me).

i was 2 and he was 5, when he proudly shared his toys.

i was 3 and him 6 when i started imitating him

i was 4 and him 7, when we sneaked around the house to search for the biscuits and chocolates mom hid.

i was 5 and him 8 when we played ludo and snakes and ladder and blamed each other of cheating.

i was 6 and him 9, having come back from a school camp, he would make up stories to give me goose bumps.

i was 7 and he 10, when he had threatened to beat the shit out of a boy who tried to hurt me by saying annoying things on our way back from school.

i was 8 and him 11, when he woke me up in the middle of the night to accompany him to the kitchen for a glass of water, lest ghosts and lizards attack(lol).

i was 9 and him 12, when i looked up to him as he won prizes for singing, debates, extempore, and sports. he was my inspiration and i died imitating.

i was 10 and him 13, when i hurt myself while playing on the school playground and my nose was bleeding, he carried me and ran to the first aid room as if i did die if he didn't rescue me.

i was 11 and him 14, when he made up stories to keep me reassured and locked both of us in the bedroom as our parents ever had an argument.

i was 12 and him 15 when he almost got rusticated from school for beating up the Principal's son for teasing me for some bullshit.

i was 13 and him 16 when our teacher had been unfair to me and had acted partial and he risked his practical examination score to only protect me.

as we grew, we became the best of friends, we went for bike rides which eventually turned to car drives, we shared our darkest of secrets and searched for answers to world's silliest and deepest questions in each other. We talked for hours, gave lost out suggestions to each other.

If troubles rained, He has always been my umbrella...

we grew up to go to other people. moved on to make our own lives...

But they say, brothers and sisters are friends God gave us. and i believe them, and how!

i came to this world to wonderful parents who gave me the gift of a life long friend, a life long shield, a life long throw pillow, a life long of love.

My brother was the first boy i opened my eyes to, my first glimpse of companionship...my love at first sight!

A STORY UNTOLD...

emotions unfold as perseverance upholds

as much as you hate it, let forgiveness unroll

each open wound will heal itself

as much as you absorb, that's how grand you get

talking is one to million

leaving a few unsaid is another

if i ever mastered being able

promise a world new altogether

you would call it compromise

i call it pure surrender

coz' once you love, emotions stand still

and if you conquer, then it never was!

for moments to pass

and drift you to a place in the memory

to grab hold of your heart

and sail through magically

as the music in you upbeats

as your eyes close in synchronicity

as you touch your skin to feel the same

thats' when love shows the blindness

bringing the pieces together

as hours pass you by

to see your pains sold

this is how every story unfolds, even if untold..

like an eternal flower in the lake

i'll sit calm and serene

all weathers i will feel

for those moments to relive!