I am a tourist and I am loving it!

Woke up the third time the alarm went off, and put on my shoes and off I went. Relentlessly jogged for 20 minutes, soaking kolkata streets in. The early morning chaiwalas preparing for their first customers, vegetable vendors sprinkling water over their comodities, and more and more activities that i could glance through as I brisked away smiling.          

To coldplay  ' speed of sound' I matched my feet, drops of sweat at the edge of my chin. Pleasure redefined!

Reached my hotel and greeted my new friend, jha sahab (sunil jha,  U.P. se) sipping tea by the gate. After my one hour walk last evening, I had sat down getting to know him . He was finishing dinner that his wife had made, a heap of puris and aalloo ki bhaji. He said his wife makes it the best. Happy thought. Sorted my evening..

so had another jha who drove us from howrah station to our hotel at elgin road. With his toothy(of little that was left there) smile, he had guided us through the way.

I must say, I love this process of getting to know new cities  through the eyes of these people who tell you the basics. Jha the cab driver said  'victoria memorial. .tch tch..usme toh sab woh raani ka pahanne ka aur woh ghumne jaati thi toh pahanne ka aur aisa sab bhara he..konsa majja ye saab dekhne me'

 Though jha saab, please check it out, its quite awesome, Victoria Memorial.

I met babupyaare, omelette wala in the evening. You know what's great? I got a double yummy omelette for 8 bucks! And the sincerity with which they made food by the road on his little stall, him and mohan, his brother. I was so moved with the little money they charged for such a yummy dish that the next day I went back for omelette and kulhad daal fry. Babupyaare has two children, one in 2nd and the other in 7th. He opens his stall at 8 in the morning, preparing for the day and runs it till 11 in the night. After packing 3 kulhad wali daal and double omelette, he asked for just 52 rs. I was like,  'What! ?' Gave him 70 and explained that he wasnt making any profit. He laughed, returning 20 back, discounting 2 and smiling a humble smile. I didnt push.

The moment I had put my bags in the hotel the day we had reached kolkata,  I had just walked off to grab a beer. Not finding a single wine shop,  I settled  into' Don Giovanni' a chinese restaurant and bar and ordered a tall glass of blue lagoon. Oh! The pleasure of sitting there by myself. I asked for a pen and scribbled down random happy thoughts on a paper napkin smiling and feeling good. Vijay, a waiter approached with a broad smile,  'kahan se aaye he? '


I am tourist. I look like one. And the feeling is so awesome.  People don't matter,  they don't know me, so I am fearless.  I have the liberty to be myself.  A new city lets me not be bound by people. Let's me be. Something I plan to adhere into routine too.

Only the last night that I spent in kolkata gave me a scary moment that I might hold onto for a long long time. Just as I had come back from my walk I saw the hotel caretaker taking a huge Labrador mixed breed for a walk. It was so golden and big and looked so adorable I just went close to it. It let me caress him for almost 20 seconds before just like that hit barked ferociously,  attacking me. And I swear! He put his paws on my chest and we were face to face! And he scratched me as I moved back in defense and bit on my tee to not let go off his prey or whatever!

But the next morning he shaked  my hand...

I am in Darjeeling now! The place with tiny lil eyes and tinier lanes...



I can see they know I am a tourist as they see me walking around fearlessly by myself, smiling...

19.05.13

Since the longest time, I haven’t been able to share anything I write. In fact I haven’t even been able to pull it through to the end or save them. I type and pen down rampantly as thoughts storm by and delete half way as I glance at the words I have typed or worse tear the paper down.  

My existence to this point has been a disturbing one. I say disturbing, because I have been living to win, running wildly, putting pressure on myself to be the best.

If I write I can express the deepest that there is in me but if its ugly, I fear sharing it. Fear of being judged, fear of not being accepted, of being questioned, of not being appreciated, the pressure I have lived with to be IDEAL.

A pattern I have been trending for as long as I can remember. My need to be the ideal friend, ideal daughter, ideal girl friend, ideal wife, ideal daughter in law, ideal mother, ideal employee had somewhere killed who I really I was.

\

Ssshh… not tad bit close to ideal.

Now quickly, I will let out. I have screamed as everyone leaves and I used to be by myself. I have wept as I drove alone. I have scribbled wildly as I sat in my company. I have thrown things around in frustration when no one was around. And sadly I have hurt myself in more ways than one…

I have to this point found no pleasure as much as I have treasured frustrations of not being acknowledged for all the freaking effort I put in.

I write this today, and have promised a friend that nomatter how shallow, ugly or unacceptable, I will finish what I want to write and be in peace with it too. A lot to accomplish for a person like me.

You won’t gauge the disappointments I live in if you meet me. My passion, quite contradictorily is happiness, nomatter what I am doing, I love being happy and ensuring happiness for the people I am with and as I mentioned, I run that extra freaking stupid mile to ensure it too.. I don’t fake happiness, because I haven’t really been happy or content for the longest time I have known, but day in and day out, I pick on small happiness that I can foster and embrace till I choke myself.

As I write, I come off desperate, but what the heck! In my desperation, I have resorted to alcohol, smoking, wandering off in absolute strangeness. I have gone to a point of bankruptcy to experience happiness as I gave away money to needy trying to bite off on charity just so I feel happy. I have been needy, I have been demanding, I have been expecting and I have been waiting, and waiting and waiting some more…to a point where just like that, everything just slipped away. All that I was holding onto.

I will share a little story here, prelude of which I have already given … a year or more back, I was surrounded by family and friends, but I cant explain the epitome of loneliness I have experienced. I woke up everyday, feeling empty, feeling unwanted and feeling judged. I still pressurized myself to be ideal and fight the adversity. Let the unfair happen, I even told my self a story to convince myself that I deserved the treatment I received. It went on, being rejected at every effort I put in and being picked on and turned         to only when I could be of some benefit. I felt trapped. I woke up every morning with a new plan to somehow change everything, feeling exhausted by noon and resorting to a glass of 90 ml whisky, rum, vodka or whatever I could get my hands on. By afternoon, the spark would come back to only be gone by evening for me to get on with some more drinking and smoking. How I managed all that still faking normal is a miracle and a sad story.

Because I battled loneliness and mastered a happy exterior and when finally I was freed from it, noone believed I was in pain. Anyway. It went on for a long time, until one day when the whole thing came crashing down and I had to live a new life suddenly.

I had a ruined skin surface due to excessive smoking and drinking and I weighed 18 kgs more than I should have. And I was left to start anew!

Here is where my purpose of writing would justify. For the first few days, I lived in denial, felt lonely, cried my heart out at the drop of hat, but a point came, and thank god it did, where enough was enough.

I woke up one morning, and I ran… for the first few steps that I did, my feet hurt but I felt my heart beating at an unusual pace, a pace that begged I continued. I didn’t stop, this was my time to throw away all my competitiveness. I ran wildly, and I weeped as I did.

Day after day as I ran, I felt layers falling off me, a sudden weight loss and a new found confidence enveloping around me. I was getting undone. I was exploring things I had closed shut my eyes to. I felt good and felt no guilt for it. I met a new person in me and you know what? I love her!

And even though its abrupt, that’s it. I gotto get back to exploring and be back on this journey.  

Resist at your own cost!

I waited after knocking at my friend's door and heard her labrador barking, instantly, as is the usual, i was prepared to save myself(or whatever it is that you do when dogs get pangs of affection and want to lick you all over). Before i could notice her face popping out of the door, i saw the labrador anticipating my walking in, with hopeful eyes and her tongue out. I entered and stood still as my friend gave the dog instructions to not trouble me. We settled on a couch and talked but my attention was distracted each time the labrador would lift up her head and turn to look at me, with that puppy dog expression. We got engrossed in a certain conversation, and without a warning, the lab started gently rubbing his body against my legs, begging me to acknowledge her presence. Instinctively, i cringed, pulling my legs closer to myself, forcing my friend to shout at the poor dog again. The third time as she started coming near me, i decided. I wasn't going to resist anymore. I let her come close, lick my bare foot, rub herself against my legs, caress my hands with her face and I gave in. I lovingly patted her head, cuddled her fat tummy, moved my hand on her soft leathery skin and there she was. Satisfied by my defenseless attention. We sat through the rest of the conversation with a content labrador, resting with her head down. I swear, i almost saw her smile...

Just as i have seen situations smiling at me, each time i have resisted them with all my strength and power to only succumb and give in in the end. So is the quote, 'what you resist, persists' so true?

Resistance is the first weapon we pick. A weapon we use when we defend. A weapon we use when we think(Mind you, THINK) we are cornered, unsafe, open for a wound. It' s forceful, strong, concentrates all your energies into "helping" you defend and leaves you drained, exhausted and frustrated. 

Coming back to my own philosophical self, ( a self on a journey of growth, an insight to learning to be just happy, with no conditions applied) as my reader, can you then think of the things we resist everyday? while you think, just spare a thought to what i have experienced, I have been making, for all the times i have known, mistakes that were inevitable, unintentional, intentional, avoidable.I have ran too fast from them, from troubles, ignored one too many rejections and overlooked the fingers pointing. I have been rolling along a ball of optimism for too long to believe it anymore. Judging too soon, speaking too fast, reacting too early, sharing too much. All this while wiping away the fears, forgetting the hurt, forgiving the culprits, missing my offences, guarding, resisting, ducking, hiding and camouflaging behind the defense of not accepting, my own. My own, my flaws, my misgivings and my faults. 

Blame, criticism, vices, desires, cravings...before they reach us, we pick up this weapon and start our fight. Not even giving a chance for our wide open mind to test them, we quickly start building a fence before they could be introduced, we close our mind, limit it from acceptance, prepare it to deny and defend. From where i see, when someone blames me, criticizes me, shows me my vices, questions my desires, judges my cravings, i, if nothing, understand one thing. They put in their energy to pull a thread from my character. My suggestion, quickly then, let them. If they pull the negative off, and you didn't resist, won't that be burden off your shoulders of carrying self-doubt? Slowly as they make a roll of the thread they pull, someone else would see a new layer knitted below to be pulled off. One by one, layer by layer, as you let go, you would be left with nothing to hold unto. Nothing that would hold back either. Just plain you, ready to take on, bare and defenseless. Brave and calm. If there was a Profession as happiness, you'd be industry ready. 

But by this you would think, if i didn't resist ever, wouldn't I end up a hippy, a wanderer? On my own, on a path where i let everything come unto me? On a path where i have wounded myself, ignoring the rocks, having seen them, left with scars. But they are there, these scars, this path i have walked on, is behind me and i have come ahead. For that, there's a plain simple exercise or quote or test i let myself pass(having been burnt by letting myself, in the past,  be cheated by a superficial definition of happiness, and learning to resist only nothing). When i do good, i feel good and when i do bad, i feel bad. It's simple. We are grown, aware people with full knowledge of good and bad(it's never what's good for me, isn't good for you. The knowledge of the conscious and conscience ensures and promotes with a light we switch on and switch off according to our convenience). The only way out is to do what makes you happy and that happiness should be tax free(all yours, nothing paid at the cost of anything) 

If you know what i mean

Self-worth...

For the eighth time I look up from my laptop's screen and scream at my 4 year old as he picked up the bottle and put it to his mouth instead of drinking water from a glass. Since screaming wasn't helping, i thought i did give him the silent treatment. Not more than a minute passed and he plunged on from far, right into my arms, hugging me so hard that i choked a bit. Surprised by his tight hug with his tiny hands, i pulled him and asked him 'What?', now trying really hard to act stern and hide the smile and he smiles broadly and says, "I know you love me mumma!Gussa nai karo, me nai karunga wapis! I love you". with that he sealed our little make up by planting a tight, wet kiss on my cheek. And again, as is the usual, even before another moment passed, he picked up the bottle and held it to his mouth, though with his eyes on me this time, waiting for me to look up from the laptop screen, and as i look, a cute little cunning smile spreads across face and as soon as my eyes started to widen, he started laughing, pulling a glass and pouring water into it with a broad smile spread across his face as i nod with a similar smile.

The innocent, unaltered, unfiltered basis of emotion tells a million things we prefer ignoring. As we grow older, we start realizing or assuming, if i must say, our "self-worth". And with that realization, we shelter our ego and leave the doors open for emotions like anger, hurt, depression enter and stick around. 

How many times do we end up affecting people the same way? Sometimes purposely, sometimes out of habit. but we do it. How many times do we let go off people because of our assumptions? 

Whatever happened to spread the love? We always think anger is the worst emotion. If you look closely, anger is plane innocence to express what you don't like. But to hang on to it and gloat in it... that is where the problem lies.

My personal experience says expectations is the worst emotion possible and is is responsible for the worst that happens. How many times do we say, 'i was always there for a certain person in the times of his need..but when i needed him, he wasn't there for me'.. and then we end up feeling hurt, angry, dejected, depressed, left out, only as a result of our expectations.

A very dear friend once sat through my ranting of how my closest friends have deserted me and how when i need them, they aren't with me, she nodded all through and in the end she asked me one question, "Did you try reaching out?"

We often think, the answer or solution to our anger is making the person realize how hurt we were, obviously holding them responsible for staining our self-worth. So we go all the way with our sarcasm, cold war, silence to show the person how hurt we had been. Often we succeed, we end up making the person feeling sad, hurt, angry and lost. But to melt it down...is that the platform we give our self-worth? 

If happiness is the moral of the story, why don't you shape the story accordingly.

A very very dear friend told me once, your family members are the relations God's decided for you. You don't have a choice but to put up with them and be influenced by them. But your friends, you should choose. You are not obliged to stick around people who necessarily, repeatedly hurt you and those who you can just not please.

We hold unto our losses, our hurt, our anger only because our self-worth is in question. But if you filled much happiness within, that you only see the best things in others, their wrong won't seem so bad anymore.

I read it somewhere, that 'Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality.'

Anger, hurt, losses, depressions, dejections, happiness, smiles, praises, forgiveness and love... they increase as much as you share them.. Share wisely, love blindly:)and forgive easily.

In the end, remember we are all looking only for two things, each one of us, no matter how subtly we show it or how loudly, but that's what we need and that's what we don't give- Approval and Attention. 

A cocktail of emotoins !

I was cooking last night and decided to make some rice. I opened the box of rice and took out a cup of rice and without warning there were two creeping pink worms crawling on my fingers and one had reached my arm by the time i jerked it away. Suddenly,i realized all the tiny threads felt like crawling worms on my body. I kept jerking my body at every small touch of fabric, thread or tip of the table, everything was a crawling worm going up my body.. Its a feeling, physical, that we know but when we experience it, the meaning changes all together.

Like a creeping worm, the sensation it sends, we know theoretically what it should feel like and even as we think of it we jerk a bit to throw the feeling away, similarly we know how hurt should feel, how depression would feel, how sulking should feel, how betrayed would feel and when we see a person suffering of the said feelings, we, almost all of us have one golden advice..."move on, let go".. but when a person goes through these feelings, moving on and letting go are the only difficult almost impossible things to do. Each one who is sad, depressed and sulking knows emotions unknown. They feel their heart twist, turn, bend and burn in ways theory can never explain.

But having talked about sadness and depression, as a tiny little being of this universe, have you ever wondered how many varied feeling are we capable of? and have you noticed how only happiness, smiles, politeness, understanding are the emotions that are receptive by all? Easily acceptable, aren't they? To do good and to be good are almost the same side of the coin. No matter how many people advice and no matter how important those people are, unless you don't want to, you won't let go or move on. Each one of us possess the power to be sad and happy at our discretion. If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought.

But we underestimate ourselves, we struggle with loss, hatred and betrayal. We consider them our misfortunes and feel essentially deficient. We let ourselves possessed by these feelings and hold the people associated with them as the root cause of our stress. But if we surrendered, things would be different. If you look at the larger picture, only what has to happen, will happen. That doesn't mean we give up and wait for things to happen. But holding onto feelings and letting worthlessness win, is unfair. To you and to people around you. So open the pores you have blocked, let the stream of utter happiness flow in you. It's really easy to do. Surrender. Stop the blame game. No one but you take responsibility of your feelings. And you are the most welcomed when you have a smile in your heart. Strain the bitterness, shed the dullness, throw the dark and kiss the sun! The next moment is new. Forgive now, repent now, let go of it and fly. Be blessed!

Let go...

i have a habit of going onto google and reading meanings and quotes on certain topics. Be it random, subject relevant..anything.. these days with a striving need for a change of heart, i explore topics like love, hate, expectations, depression, judgement, envy etc.. but what stares right at my face is the ugliest, most harsh of all emotions- ANGER. Its the most ridiculous of all emotions, because, not everyone understands, but anger is a robe we create and wear around ourselves to protect us from our own shortcomings.. by that i mean, our expectations for ourselves, self judgement and comparisons to others. When I read a lot of things about anger, i came across some very insightful and interesting concepts that make sense.. If you bear with me, I would want to present those concepts with reference to my understanding.. the one's in Italian are google searches and below them, my thoughts...spit the anger, exhale out the disappointment, leave the expectations and let go...

"A natural reaction to pain or being hurt is anger. It’s part of the instinctive animal nature of any being. When we perceive a danger of being hurt, the fight mechanism of anger helps to ensure our protection. The misleading element is when our mind perceives the cause incorrectly."

Over the past few months, from turning 24 to 25, i faced some life changing moments and learnt that letting go off things, is in fact the biggest lesson, we ever will learn. You would say am going on a spiritual tangent, but truly, if you look at causes of anger, they are frustrations, disappointments, expectations.. how easy it would be to let go off a few standards we create for ourselves and expect other associated with us to live up to those standards..?

"However a person’s belief system doesn’t necessarily operate on rationality. It operates based on beliefs and assumptions. We often aren’t aware of how our beliefs operate and how they create our emotions so they may seem hidden. These beliefs aren’t really hidden. It’s just that we haven’t gone looking at them before. Too often we accept our first thoughts about things or the surface level assumption without reflecting deeper. "

having come across the above quote, i question, is it fair to even have a belief system..? shouldn't we  let even that go? what is our knowledge if not composition from the experiences in the environment we are in, emotions we encounter from the people we meet, compilations of various societal norms and certain religious, ancient figments? and what more is our belief system if not a summary of our knowledge... aren't we then limiting ourselves?
Wisdom then, to me, is letting go .. belief system restricts us to think in a certain way, to do a certain things, to follow a certain pattern, but if in that pattern, if in that system, if in that way, we fail the basic need of life, happiness..then whats the point? if we fight guilt of doing whats wrong, because society judges and so we decide on  self-judgement, if we feel hurt because we believe we have to be treated in a particular way,we stress over deserving a particular amount of respect...isn't then the smart thing to do is.. letting go? letting go off these funny ideas we have? letting go off these certain benchmarks we have created? letting go off the self worth that blinds us?

"emotions can build up over time until our efforts to keep them repressed slip and produce an outburst over the smallest triggering event."

 "There’s a distinct difference between triggers and causes of anger. When you don’t have awareness of the underlying beliefs you can make the mistake of focusing on the trigger and missing the cause."

When we let anger embrace us, if we let ourselves burn in anger, if you examine yourself at that very moment, your ability to rational thinking is gone..you have a cape of enrage of such magnanimity that your belief mistakes the people associated with the cause of your anger to be the cause of anger...!
What i mean to say is, I might have a certain expectations from life, for example, like i have to live in a certain way, i deserve a certain attention, i expect to have this and that and when you are challenged by facing a person with all these "luxuries"(mind you, inverted commas, because, again its a belief), your anger gets triggered, that is not the cause of your anger.. that person, harmlessly just lives a life bestowed upon him/her, but you associate them with your anger, and you feel agitated when around them or when they are mentioned..you might not have an angry outburst but due to your anger you might say spiteful things against them, or measure your own self-worth...but what happens in return? we end up wounding ourselves and in a lot of cases the one who's triggered your anger too...

"Once a person becomes aware of the self judgment and self rejection from the inner judge he directed his efforts at dissolving them. By eliminating the self judgments the person will no longer have those painful feelings of unworthiness and not being good enough. Without those painful feelings there is no anger from the fight or flight mechanism in the person's mind. "

if you really want to learn what is letting go.. then watch this moment.. you embrace it and let go off it or you dont' embrace the next.. this moment soon shall be "that" moment..if you know what i mean ;)

In the end, i ll summarize my thoughts to a beautiful, ever inspiring song by Kishore Kumar

Aanewala Pal Jaanewala Hai
Ho Sake To Iss Mein Zindagi Bitaado
Pal Jo Yeh Jaanewala Hai

Ek Baar Waqt Se Lamha Gira Kahin (2)
Wahaan Dastan Mili Lamha Kahin Nahin
Thoda Sa Hasaake Thoda Sa Rulaake Pal Ye Bhi Jaanewala Hai Ho Ho

Fall in love with "right now"

No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change.

- Barbara de Angelis

---

life's good when its full of surprises..surprise yourself by holding your tongue when it wants to lash out, surprise yourself by letting go off your ego, surprise yourself by achieving a target, surprise yourself by testing your limits of stamina and running an extra mile, surprise yourself by making someone smile, surprise yourself by not falling prey to your weaknesses..  guaranteed you will fall in love with life and yourself...!!

how much time we waste wanting to sleep for 10 more minutes and we end up sleeping for an extra hour..:O .. how much respect we lose as we speak off accuses and abuses and false stories in anger or malice and we end up ruining relationships..:/.. how much peace of mind do we disturb as we fall back on our targets and end up frustrated..:|..

why give yourself any concession from happiness?

my friends who have known me for long, would know what i talk about and would understand the change in heart.. but for those of you who think i am preaching, No,,,sorry to have come forth like that, if i may.. a heart that's always negotiating for a little more happiness, pushes me to tolerate a bit more, stops me when i have a severe need to argue to prove myself, helps my tongue to remain held back when i want to say the worst things, is pleading for me to spread the happiness..

life's too short and so unpredictable that it caught me off guard more than once.. and am not taking anymore chances of wasting my life in addictions, laziness, anger, malice, dishonesty, ego... i am grabbing this very moment, doing what i love the most and smiling all along...! as i close my eyes in prayers and gratitude, i feel for your happiness from the bottom of my heart...

and for a few friends and people who i have hurt in past with my words and deeds, i ask for your kind forgiveness and pray for your happiness,,,

signing off,
yours sincerely,
Somi:)

the world pauses..to moan for its losses...!

When i read history as a kid, and read about various legends like Tagore, Shakespeare, Einstein, Sir Issac Newton, Madame Curie and many more respect worthy Heroes, who changed the way world worked, who brought in a revolution, I merely read their names. Not taking any respect or credit they truly deserve from them but having not witnessed the revolution myself and having to come into a world made comfortable because of heir innovations and contributions and to merely have read and to respect them are one thing...

but as a growing teenager, as i heard my dad playing Ghazals on the cassette player, on the car radio, and when as a college student, as i bought my first cassette of Jagjit Singh album of Ghazals, i truly went into a deeper more meaningful world..my most favorite of his compositions was 'ye nayan darre darre, ye jaam bharre bharre' i have been singing it in times alone and with friends and every time i sing it, Jagjitji's voice echoes in my head and mesmerizes me..! As a working professional, when there was no time for friends and smaller luxuries like time..his composition,'ye kagaz ki kashti' felt comprehensive.. and it took me to my childhood.... if something is so powerful to bring tears to your eyes, so mesmerising to pause the rest of the world, so indulgent that u loose yourself in the moment, then it surely deserves an ovation, a standing one at that.

as i see my 3 year old playing with my iPhone, i see how conveniently he browses through it and finds his desirable games..without an effort , he unlocks and locks and controls volume.. that is when i truly appreciate Sir Steve Jobs. Innovation was never defined better. To be creatively innovative is to be able to make something extraordinary and to keep it significantly simple.

two men, who made history, the men of our times, the men who changed the way world works, who contributed in making it a better place. iSalute and sing along your glory! there's a hole in the world suddenly with this loss...! and we learnt what it takes to create history! 

Mumbai meri jaaaan...!

three months in the city and long drunken night by worli sea face, clubbing all night, coloba shopping, roadside tandoori chicken on bandra station, more clubbing, loads of train journey with sweaty co-passengers, getting stuck in traffic for over 4 hours for a 15 km drive, theft, comedy store at Palledium, hours in malls, Aksa beach, getting completely lost in powai with similar looking buildings, hours of shopping on sales, movies back to back, waiting by the window watching rain, staying awake for three days three nights playing the host, making new friends, reuniting with the old, and boom! a bomb-blast!!!

It had my breath held for hours till i knew all friends family were safe, but i cried that day.. i cried for mumbai and i felt for it.. i embraced it and my heart ached for it..
i smiled when i saw it gathering itself, standing up and starting to run by the very next day...!

When i had to move to Mumbai from ahmedabad three months back, i resisted, i twitched inside, i was scared to be lost in the big city, i was apprehensive to adjust with high rents, i refused to have a family life restricted to late nights and sundays, i feared the practicality of things in this city, most of all i thought i would never fit in and accomodate myself in the routine of The City, Mumbai itself..
But Mumbai.. it accommodates one and all and it pushes you to keep running..
indeed the city of dreams....the energy of this city has me in its flames of fire..!MOre than anything, the city's pace is an inspiration in itself.. its spirit is so alive that it embraces you, nomatter who you are! It triggers my creativity and makes me want to make my place here...
Mumbai makes me move, groove, makes me laugh and cry, makes me yearn and satisfied all at the same time.. never before have i felt this belonged in a new city.. Cheers to Mumbai!  

the box under the book of love...

After a few sentences exchanged, automatically, evidently, inevitably, each time that i have made new friends, we somehow end up at the question of love. if you are married or in love, everyone's interested in knowing other's story of love.. a story that always leaves people smiling and wondering.. each story of love is so special and so unique..

incidentally, i have made so many new friends and narrated my story of love so many times that its by heart now, word by word... but is that truly the story that matters..

My point is, we are always shown a picture perfect for love, but is that all? is love waiting for hours for each other, sharing all dirty and good secrets, doing wild things, going on mad drives at midnight, watching movies together, writing mushy letters to each other, arguing one moment and then cuddling the another, dancing in the rain, walking by the beach, resting under a tree, sitting hours in just silence of togetherness, buying silly things for each other, singing songs after couple of drinks, is this something what you have in mind when you think of a story of love? when a gal meets boy, boy meets gal, they laugh and argue, they party and socialize and "accidentally" fall in love and become inseparable. however we start a story, if it ends up with girl and boy falling madly compassionately terribly in head over heels, rollingly and quite roaringly in love..  so much so that they end up thinking marriage would be the ONLY(i exclaim, so you understand the depth of what i mean) salvation to their love... and then... they m a r r y...

NO No , am not starting the typically same story about gal meets boy, love happens, marriage too and then starts nagging, taking for granted, complains, MIL nags, complications.. don't wait for melodrama about how love terribly changed and my life was ruined after marriage and how my husband took me for granted...i have been all over there..been madly, blindly in love, fought with parents to marry to remain in love, got married, fought with his parents for obvious reasons, fallen out of love, betrayed, anchored back, won over, head over heels in love again, mysteriously disappointed at times, but mostly in plain comfortable zone of love, happy and reconciled and i call it my little box of love, a box where i store away all these years of togetherness, to which when i give one look, it revives me out of disdain and gives me the ability to fall in love again..i  plan to have this zone longer..

Because in these 10 years of knowing my husband(mark it, knowing, not 10 years of marriage), from day 1 when he started wooing to this day, we carry our own boxes of love, separate from one another, but of each other, with borrowed happiness, with shadows of sadness, with a few achievements and a trail of disappointment, with a few layers of awesomeness and some rugged ones of the years taken for granted, but owing to our varied perspectives, we choose to have them apart. and i know i open my box every now and then to bring me a new shade in love, to redeem any reining dullness, to remind me to love the man who for sure takes time out to open his box of love too...how else, otherwise, does he too smile and gaze like an ever so surprised and indulged lover. how does he put a neat velvet cover over my book of blunders and own upto it and decorate it with frills and colors, so much so that it intrigues my very core and how does he, otherwise, embrace it with full responsibility?

and no matter how long i go on to explain how the magic of love works, married or not, presently in love or not, if once you have loved, you know its magic and its just not worth regretting if just the person involved is not part of your life anymore, moral of the story is Peter Gabriel's got me speaking and i am gonna leave you now with the comfort of cherishing love....go on, slip out your box of love and refer to the book of love as you indulge in some heart felt memories...

sealed with love
Somi