19.05.13

Since the longest time, I haven’t been able to share anything I write. In fact I haven’t even been able to pull it through to the end or save them. I type and pen down rampantly as thoughts storm by and delete half way as I glance at the words I have typed or worse tear the paper down.  

My existence to this point has been a disturbing one. I say disturbing, because I have been living to win, running wildly, putting pressure on myself to be the best.

If I write I can express the deepest that there is in me but if its ugly, I fear sharing it. Fear of being judged, fear of not being accepted, of being questioned, of not being appreciated, the pressure I have lived with to be IDEAL.

A pattern I have been trending for as long as I can remember. My need to be the ideal friend, ideal daughter, ideal girl friend, ideal wife, ideal daughter in law, ideal mother, ideal employee had somewhere killed who I really I was.

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Ssshh… not tad bit close to ideal.

Now quickly, I will let out. I have screamed as everyone leaves and I used to be by myself. I have wept as I drove alone. I have scribbled wildly as I sat in my company. I have thrown things around in frustration when no one was around. And sadly I have hurt myself in more ways than one…

I have to this point found no pleasure as much as I have treasured frustrations of not being acknowledged for all the freaking effort I put in.

I write this today, and have promised a friend that nomatter how shallow, ugly or unacceptable, I will finish what I want to write and be in peace with it too. A lot to accomplish for a person like me.

You won’t gauge the disappointments I live in if you meet me. My passion, quite contradictorily is happiness, nomatter what I am doing, I love being happy and ensuring happiness for the people I am with and as I mentioned, I run that extra freaking stupid mile to ensure it too.. I don’t fake happiness, because I haven’t really been happy or content for the longest time I have known, but day in and day out, I pick on small happiness that I can foster and embrace till I choke myself.

As I write, I come off desperate, but what the heck! In my desperation, I have resorted to alcohol, smoking, wandering off in absolute strangeness. I have gone to a point of bankruptcy to experience happiness as I gave away money to needy trying to bite off on charity just so I feel happy. I have been needy, I have been demanding, I have been expecting and I have been waiting, and waiting and waiting some more…to a point where just like that, everything just slipped away. All that I was holding onto.

I will share a little story here, prelude of which I have already given … a year or more back, I was surrounded by family and friends, but I cant explain the epitome of loneliness I have experienced. I woke up everyday, feeling empty, feeling unwanted and feeling judged. I still pressurized myself to be ideal and fight the adversity. Let the unfair happen, I even told my self a story to convince myself that I deserved the treatment I received. It went on, being rejected at every effort I put in and being picked on and turned         to only when I could be of some benefit. I felt trapped. I woke up every morning with a new plan to somehow change everything, feeling exhausted by noon and resorting to a glass of 90 ml whisky, rum, vodka or whatever I could get my hands on. By afternoon, the spark would come back to only be gone by evening for me to get on with some more drinking and smoking. How I managed all that still faking normal is a miracle and a sad story.

Because I battled loneliness and mastered a happy exterior and when finally I was freed from it, noone believed I was in pain. Anyway. It went on for a long time, until one day when the whole thing came crashing down and I had to live a new life suddenly.

I had a ruined skin surface due to excessive smoking and drinking and I weighed 18 kgs more than I should have. And I was left to start anew!

Here is where my purpose of writing would justify. For the first few days, I lived in denial, felt lonely, cried my heart out at the drop of hat, but a point came, and thank god it did, where enough was enough.

I woke up one morning, and I ran… for the first few steps that I did, my feet hurt but I felt my heart beating at an unusual pace, a pace that begged I continued. I didn’t stop, this was my time to throw away all my competitiveness. I ran wildly, and I weeped as I did.

Day after day as I ran, I felt layers falling off me, a sudden weight loss and a new found confidence enveloping around me. I was getting undone. I was exploring things I had closed shut my eyes to. I felt good and felt no guilt for it. I met a new person in me and you know what? I love her!

And even though its abrupt, that’s it. I gotto get back to exploring and be back on this journey.