Shades of happiness

The leaf turned and showed a new shade of green...

they say its the color of envy.. but it only gave me a new screen..

i didnt feel a tinge of angst, no fear, no competition..

here i was sitting in my arms, embraced by love and compassion..

and this is what i am!

the water crinkles in my hands with a fresh shade of blue...

shows me what a heart with happiness and strength could feel..

i feel supported, i feel glad, i feel life with a new vibe..

am filled with forgiveness and a zeal..

to know what i can be...!

am wearing glasses of exaltation...

ready to give, ready to let go..ready to be stationed..

i emerged stronger when each shade touched me by

halted for a second, but the misery passed me by..!

try me now, am new!

Curtains Raised-Unfaithful!

When the morning gathers the rainbow
Want you to know I'm a rainbow too
So, to the rescue here i am
Want you to know just if you can
Where i stand, know, know, know, know, know

the song plays on full blare on the player. As meaningless tears roll down, the cigarette slowly burns down the little box of treasure inside... the box that used to keep smiles, happiness, kindness, love, spring, summer, raindrops, long silent walks, hours of togetherness, slow and passionate lovemaking, deep long kisses... the treasures that had promised Myra at a time to keep her alive.. it had sworn that one glance at it and she would never think of leaving her skin again..

she looks at herself now, as if standing outside of her body, examining, pitying, full of disgust, sitting in the closed car, sweating, smoking her heart out, with no energy to bring more sadness she listens to Bob Marley pumping with joy, hoping somehow his song would bring a miracle to her heart and bring her the strength to fight her own demons. the demons that assaulted her, leaving her to the ruins... these demons are her own.. they live right under her skin. the demons David had confronted, the demons that had exposed themselves in front of him, leaving Myra to her debris, granting no redemption!

David's tears, his despair, his ringing voice echoes inside a hollow Myra..."if you could desert your parents for me, you can desert me for anyone else".. and her trance is only broken as the cigarette stick burns down between her two fingers..

the one man she had joined life with, with the only hope of happiness, the one man she embraced with the hope of rescue, the one man she was sure of, the one man she had believed to bring her soulful joy, she cheated on him... she destroyed him..ruined his belief on love, life, togetherness,,,

and as Myra lighted another cigarette, contemplating options to bring back David to life, the only one playing on her heart was her right hand playing with the cap of the bottle that had petrol filled in it.. the one way of bring him his life.. to grog down the contents of the bottle with all the courage it took for her to cheat, with all the myth she had created around her, with all the power that had made her unfaithful... she could feel the courage built in her, she could feel it rising into her blood.. the smoke was now starting to suffocate her.. the heart had become a size so unbelievably small that she couldn't locate where that pain was coming from...

David's face full of angst, his body shivering with disgust, his voice quivering with hatred, his hands, his fingers full of hopelessness, his eyes red with the betrayal gave a slight push to the courage of lifting the bottle...

and just as she was about to lift the bottle to her lips, she heard her phone ringing,"mummy, where are you?" a ring tone she had made out of her daughter's voice that rang every time the house number called. Myra was in an uncontrollable fits of tears now.. reckless and aimless.. a cold drop of sweat travelled across her spine as the phone repeatedly rang..! the chain of her courage was broken.. she couldn't desert them anymore.. she didn't have the heart to desert the only person she had found love in now.. she couldn't believe herself of the state she had put her whole world into...

she put the cap back on the bottle... she threw the bottle on the back seat.. threw the cigarette she had picked to light again..

dialed David's number, to seek freedom from this pain.. as he answered,"hello?"

Myra gasped,"i really love you ..please forgive me for what i had become"

"Myra, you have failed me, in a way that i can't help you again, i am dead inside.. i only live for Diana, my daughter, you were my biggest strength and you killed it, you let go off our love, broke the trust, did what you wanted to do, and now i am wounded beyond repair"

" i really do love you, i really seek forgiveness, please give it a last chance for our daughter"

"i have given away too many chances in the hope of having you in my life, you made me strong at one time, now you only break the pillar of hope i stand on for my daughter, you did give birth to our daughter, but you never really became a mother, you did get married, but you never became a wife.. the girl in you still pines to be free, so go away and leave us peace"

"the thought of letting you down, the idea of losing you, the concept of being away from the family i built is impossible for me, please forgive the crime i committed, please i beg of you "

"what would you do if i had betrayed you?"..........

as Myra searched an answer, David had already hung up, and once again she lumped into the car seat, sunk deep in, heaved and broke into tears once again...

Fire beneath my Sole..!

Mind IT! i said fire beneath my sole... not SOUL...:P

my new found passion.. wake up at 5:15 and freshen up..gear up with sneaker, tracks and warmers... and start running..

it all started with the urge of being able to loose some weight, but has gone down to become much more than just a regime i follow to loose weight. i simply love the process.. wake up as early to stand by my balcony and see a void.. darkness and dim street lights... gives me a sense of fresh energy almost newly sewn wings unto me.. that make me wanna take off...

as i park my car outside the running tracks, i feel the urge to start the music and go blaring through the tracks.. As coldplay starts playing "Viva la vida" into my ears.. i feel the fire that sets me off and i start jogging.. very slowly and swiftly.. as the first round nears to finish , there's already an energy travelling through my feet to my calf muscles and unto my knees... and i run along feeling the strength building inside me. By the time i finish the 7th round, and 4 tracks of awesome music, i start to feel fueled up and broken down at the same time. By this time its already been 20 minutes and my body is urging me to sit down and feet to do the opposite.. one more, one more.. mind keeps repeating after every round.. and my stamina agrees,,, we (me and the smart little parts of my body) go along and run another mile... By round 10.. i feel the extent of my caliber to run and slowly i stop.. promising myself to extend it to one more round the next day:) ..

and i swear the days are so awesomely designed once you start waking up early...:D feels like everything falls into place..

happy happy mornings.. lead to happy happy days...!

BEUTY FIRST HAND

i don't relate to a beauty untold of,

but if it touches me, it whispers a few words...

beauty is in the eyes of the beholder,

is an old way of saying each one to its own,

but a heart that's unaltered by vices

would identify it at the first glimpse...

i have heard that beauty brightens one's day..

that beauty is so magnificent that it creates magic in the heart

i have seen beauty and i encounter it everyday..

it plays on the strings of my life and creates music

the music that makes me dance to its beats..

its when i want to smile back at the first person i see any morning..

its when my lil boy grips on my finger and cuddles himself in my arms

i feel it when a gentle breeze touches my bare shoulders

i see it when i see a good morning said with content...

beauty is indeed under estimated..

beauty is indeed less evaluated...

beauty is indeed little experienced...

beauty is indeed lacking expression...

i wait for a moment when its easy for my heart to say it..

i cling on to the moment when its felt...

the warmth it gives birth to is inexplainable...

the journey it takes me on is inexplicable

Sshhhh...

my experience with silence...

if you know what bliss is, you would know how i felt during my Silence(maun vrat).

To think of it, we actually love talking and making conversations and somehow we spend hours doing just that...! i never realized, not talking could deliver this amount of energy. "urja", as Rishiji said, is right inside you, its we who don't realise it and spend it all in unnecessary things like eating more than we need, talking more than required, etc.

two days in rishiji's guidance, i experienced silence and stillness in the most literal way possible. the days went by in complete yoga, exercises, sevas, delightfully simple food, satsang, singing bhajanas.. awesome!

when he finally broke the silence, i didn't feel like talking much, i didn't want to let go off the peace i was experiencing due to not talking... a strange kind of stillness, something inside me is just so calm that even though life is full, its feels like a lot of space. smiling is so much more easy that people in the "normal" world could write me off as insane..

and to suffice it the best.. my friend sukriti asked the most appropriate question after my silence was broken,"were you happy that it ended or were you regretful?"

The MAGIC of growing up....

When each morning seems like a battle to be won.. and office is waiting for you to come and fulfill your duties///your child cries for your attention and husband winks at you..when no one tells you what to do yet you have a non-ending list of to-dos...! is it then, that you can be called grown up?

its really not the age or the responsibilities you have. its neither your perspective nor what others think of you.

its when you respond..and hold your reactions, its when you hold your breath before jumping to conclusions, its when you pass on making judgments and when you don't need assurance from the world to know who you are. I say this so confidently because i, in my life have met a few people, who i can vouch on being grown-ups and in the true sense..

Its so generously comfortable to be with such people. People who don't need explanations of why you are in a particular situation, who would graciously hear you out and need be, give an advice which would be worth.

I won't say the name of the person here, or you would say am biased, but the guy is very close to me, and i have closely been associated with him and his endeavors.. not once have i seen the guy getting carried away, passing a judgment or criticizing without any base. He cares as much for his own limitations in the world and keeps its clean. Respects people for who they are and doesn't get worked up if there are people playing dirty with him.

I am not trying to make a statement here, but he is more or less an example well put for a grown up.

Its time we left our inhibitions of being judged, criticized and gave rest to our imagination where others are concerned... I find it strange for people to have other's perspective being the scale to measure what they really are. I find it difficult to sit with people who permanently blame others for their doom. i am discomforted by people who take support of funny diseases to gain sympathy and be the center of attraction.

I am gonna write a separate article on the consequence of being a victim to judgments and on passing judgments.

have a good day all...

while trying to let the tea gorge down my throat and maybe provide some relief from this impending treasure of bad feelings...i looked up and saw a piece broken from a wall hanging in the office,,,i turned my eyes away feeling deeper down... and my eyes rested on the pendulum of the wall clock and as depressing as my perspective got, the pendulum wasn't moving like it does usually...

i closed my eyes for a while and tried singing a song to myself and all sorts of sad songs started popping in my head, and my alter ego screamed......!!!

i tried concentrating on my breathing and realised how difficult it was getting to breathe.. how heavy my chest felt and the creepiness of depression was spreading into my eyes hands fingers ...nerves...!

i quickly fled from where i was sitting, went away to light a fag and smoke away my angst or pain or freaking mood swing, whichever it was.. i looked down the window and to my distress saw a bunch laborers working their sweat off on a construction and an abandoned(ignored) baby sitting by him/herself, not more than the age of 1, and eating sand...! noone to bother... and suddenly it started crying... and still noone bothered....!

My heart went deeper into the whirlpool of sadness it was harnessing....

there had to be a problem behind my ultra low feelings, i thought. Out of complete helplessness and with no on who knew what i was going through, i texted him, "Feeling depressed, extremely low, don't see a way out. feel like crying".

Pause

and asking no questions thereof, no explanations requested, no discussions sought, I smiled as i read Frank's (my husband, my friend, my love, my guide, the man i am always going to be grateful to god and his parents for) reply, " its okay baby. Enjoy the present, who has seen the future."

the power of togetherness is magic in itself..

i looked down and my perspective changed, i smiled as i saw that the baby by itself had stopped crying and was trying to keep himself busy(by now i know its a him). i came back to my den and gave a slight push to the pendulum stuck and it started moving peacefully again.. i cut the hanging piece out of the wall hanging and sat down to write this...!

the butterflies released!

With each year that we grow together,
i find a new shade to my character..
i realize how much love is in me..
and with your smile in my heart to feel....

your being there is what makes me complete
knowing you has been the best odyssey
there's nothing i would trade for our little family
Neil joyful, me comfortable and you are our tree

Protecting us, taking care that we smile
hiding your own concerns while letting us rise..
You are my love, my friend, my joy, my life
Your passion is magic and honored to be your wife!

Mood swing not helping, so i decided to smile...:)

Started a business 3 months ago in a field i was so completely unaware of!

Organised Interviews, fished for an office space, bought assets as computers, printers(full support from Dad,mum,frank, kenu bhaiya,Bhai,deepti ben...all the family and lot of friends, basically)Hired people,fired people...!

so in short, life changed in the transition of being an employee and employer...!

Perspective is such a game psyche plays on a human mind..!

Keeping the employees interest, accepting their unhappy times, happy moments, skills, foolishness, everything in one capsule and swallowing that capsule and dare you puke! would be the key trick to be a good boss...!

though i appreciate my guys a lot, i am pretty analytic and can be picky when it comes to silly mistakes...! though always make up for my anger by apologizing , guess thats not enough.

New Chapter in Saumya Das D'cunha's Life::::

My employee, after three months of freaking training and investment now thinks he is better off not taking responsibility and wants to go for a less paying, lesser responsibility job!!!!

Since, being the optimistic me, i only hired two skilled employees, i was quite dependent on them...! and if you know how it could feel to be dragged on thorns with bare asss, you would know how am feeling right now!!! it hurts and i can't relax or sit...!

But the beauty of it is, i am trying that it doesnt affect me that much.. am smiling a lot, to kill the stress, am greeting a lot of people and workin on recruitments because smiling aint gonna get me one more skilled employee, might make me end up looking like a mental case, but surely won't help me at work...but it helps to sustain the hope...!

So don't worry, Be happy... quite literally!

JAI GURUDEV

ps: have a happy smiling day:D

What we have become...

Its not a sad poetry, it's a poetry come out of my regret of not being able to remain what you wanted me to be....

but also a way of letting you know that even if things happen out of our expectations, individuality is just as small as ego. A relationship is bigger that the two people involved in it.

THE MOMENT I WALKED BY

Why didn't you just hold time..
How did you let it pass by..?
What you were unaware of...
When you wanted to walk off...

Back then i was your trophy
In the game we so innocently played
Why now, we have grown already?
Why not get swayed once again?

I am not a bird to fly away,
Neither a pet that could stay..
Am in love ever so respectfully...
Indulged in the moment completely

The shadows in our love, the time has passed
Chances are bleak, but the magic will last
Even when you smile, i can seep into your pain
Ever since i grew up, i take the blame...!