Intentions

When every step is calculated
We often assume the consequences
Expecting nuances from before 
Anticipating to be one more

These emotions as misleading
Come from a heart that's learnt its lessons
Knows its way around
Having roughed up here often

Myra

she came around as an ageless elegance. The only truth she knew then was that nothing mattered as long as she was in love. His presence was not as important as his essence. She always felt him, she always had him with her. In thoughts, words, actions & intentions. But it was effortless, even inspiring, this love or the illusion that kept her guarded against the world. It didn't matter. She had begun a journey of love and with challenges she hadn't foreseen or was prepared for. She fell in love with herself when she thought of being desired by him.

Everyday she realised she had to love a little harder to make up for the lack of love she felt. She enveloped herself in immense love, with a wall that allowed her to not break, crumble or fall. He was thankful because... he leaned on. Love ever so arranged between two, keeping company was natural, even in the lack of it. 

But before she could gather perseverance to grow her roots, she had already tasted too many soils. Love was just one chapter. What unrolled after was a mix bag of confrontations, frustrations, compassion, tragedy, recovery, and a redemption. And she never considered herself special and was agitated to reveal her journey, scared of judgments, feeling guilty for things she had no control over or had any intention to happen. Life unrolled mindlessly, leaving her unguarded and in a mess. She would pick herself up everyday to start another day, struggling to even go with the flow! Just floating was not meant for warriors like her. She was a survivor and that's what she did best... survive!

Love

There she goes blazing again
Unaware as she moves
Unguarded and careless 
Yet again
Skipping heartbeats on impulses 
Looking beyond the camouflage 
Ducking a little, missing the puddle
She opens her eyes, but only a little

"Is he blaming you for doubting him?"

"Yes. I feel bad, confused & a heaviness in my heart that I am unable to wade off"

"C'mon! It wasn't you...it was because of the situation you were in, you couldn't have reacted any other way "

"I guess you are right. I did feel instigated"

INSTIGATED.
Words have power, so we have heard more than once. but do we really believe it?
I end up accepting most uncomfortable situations by ensuring the blame is not on me. In fact, also would spend endless hours trying to crack the situation, by going into micro details, judging every aspect of the situation, analyzing, trying to look for the comfort of justification.

"She shouldn't have screamed...he shouldn't have made me feel that way... that man is very rude.... this girl should have manners... he has no idea... it's unfair... "

Our biggest fear, therefore isn't being subjected to injustice only, but to be sure that we are not to be blamed. The one who feels guilty goes through a tremendous pressure of evaluating his/her self worth.
'how can I be wrong? if what I believe is not true... So I just didn't assume!'

Its more or less like performance anxiety. The need to be right then becomes a necessary element of our being, making us capable of quick defenses and reactions. This never ending journey for the need to be right. Do we take enough time to ask the right questions?

But all our reactions and responses are only aggregate of what we have understood. Or should I say, limited to what we know... doubt is a reflection of unresolved issues within us.. One doesn't confuse curiosity with doubt. With doubt comes conviction, blame.

The Magic of Reciprocation

As simple as the meaning of the word reciprocation is, it is just as difficult to understand to put it to practice. To reciprocate, one has to be present in a situation completely, with full attention, otherwise reciprocation has a few mean friends who show up instead, unwanted-ly like an "impulsive reaction" or "defense" or worse, "comparison".

As kids, we were taught comprehension, where we had to read a paragraph and answer the questions asked, only from that paragraph. I think that was a useful exercise; keeping it contextual.

But with piled up experiences of human connections, emotions, memories & feelings, our intentions, thoughts, words & consequently, actions are influenced continuously. We find it difficult to separate ourselves from repeating patterns of hurt, deceit & disappointment. While this happens, I have heard a lot of people say, 'This always happens with me' and they focus on ALWAYS HAPPENS rather than why? The need to dig deeper, look beyond is very easily categorized as over-thinking by people who find comfort in not confronting their own ways of life. Their patterns. Our patterns.

Now people being people, are dynamic in nature and do not comprise of a general single way of life. That leaves us with a complex task & confusion of understanding all the people around us, understand their intentions & actions. We would be infuriating the whole time with thoughts and analysis.. "She talked to me like this because she has a grudge against me.." ... "He always behaves like that with me..." ... "She is jealous of me" .... "He can't stand me..." ... "She purposely doesn't want me to succeed.." ... "He's insecure, that's why he questions me.." ... "He wants me to fail.."..

What we get, if you think, as a conclusion is nothing more than a reflection of our thoughts about what other people might think. After hours of research, analysis & judgments, you are only left with what you know and how much you know. Then in this case would it be simpler to work on a single person. One thing at a time kind of thing. Who would you pick, if you had to change just one person?


It's far easier for us to conclude how people need to change and in what areas. We are even quick to extend a hand for the ones we see in need and we are eager to help someone out by listening to them and coming up with life hacks. But carelessly so, we ignore ourselves. We may think, it's just me.. and it's alright! But regardless of your esteemed judgments of others, you will agree that you have no control over other's behavior.

Better said than done, isn't it? We feel INSTIGATED to initiate change in others. Words have power, so we have heard more than once. but do we really believe it? I end up accepting most uncomfortable situations by ensuring the blame is not on me. In fact, also would spend endless hours trying to crack the situation, by going into micro details, judging every aspect of the situation, analyzing, trying to look for the comfort of justification.

"She shouldn't have screamed...he shouldn't have made me feel that way... that man is very rude.... this girl should have manners... he has no idea... it's unfair... "

Our biggest fear, therefore isn't being subjected to injustice only, but to be sure that we are not to be blamed. The one who feels guilty goes through a tremendous pressure of evaluating his self worth & make change within. Its more or less like performance anxiety. The need to be right then becomes a necessary element of our being, making us capable of quick defenses and reactions.

Our finger is pointing at an element we have no control over, more so, not towards the one we can control and change.

The mirror pines for an eye contact
It has things to tell you
Things you know
Things that are you
It craves for attention
Whilst you just look through

Expectations make reality look like injustice

#1. It is what it is.

Learn, accept and keep moving on!

How do I explain this negative energy growing inside me to shut the fuck up while convincing me of the downside of every situation and lack the very intent for fearless authenticity of feelings.

When in a situation that doesn't go according to our expectations/plans, we talk endlessly about how this situation is not right, we lose interest to be there. But we still go back running to it because we want to! When expectations form an illusion of all that you rightly deserve, you end up feeding your thoughts on the negative. You begin to believe you are miserable and slowly lose capacity for rationality.

This negative energy is born out of and an aggregate of what we know, what we have felt, our self designated demons, impressions from our past experiences, and of how much we have allowed ourselves to know. It paralyzes our basic need for empathy, blurs our vision from all the good things.

When you continually obsess about something in particular, you end up blowing it out of proportions. You start expecting and making up lists about things you deserve that this particular situation has not been able to live upto. You put on your judgments as a parameter to write people off.

Your expectations make your reality look like injustice. Resulting in making you helpless towards what it is. Nothing is ever good enough. Your projection of disappointment is so bright and clear that it fogs your vision towards what it really is.

A Year Older.. Wiser? :|

It's my last grip on my twenties
Just another number
I have piled experiences of more
And glad that I chose to try

Every setback, every failure
All the matches I lost
Makes me realize
How stupid I was

But I saw a life unexplored by many
Experienced things too early
Chose to be hurt
Found things, earlier not known

I fought very hard and very long
But maybe not till the end
Because in this battle
The enemy was shattered

I stand over it's scattered pieces
And look around
At the thousands of tiny reflections
That broke the beast in the mirror

I am unwrapping
The silence that's been kept away
The voices in my head
Have lost track of thought

I would be a year older
But many folds experienced
And still much less
When it comes to begin 'living'!

Last month

Clothes, books, places, things
Diaries, notes, poems, bills
A list of songs I always sing
A collection of videos & stills

Some new analogies revealed
Ruined strings of failed relationships undone
I was okay all along
But the taste of happiness is addictive

Growing older seemed dull
Painting a picture with colors so dark
Now, I see frames that leave me stunned
Reality, in contrast to perspective, so stark

Memories that will be cherished
Making disappointments fade away
Am prepared to say goodbye
As the new year makes it's way!

Happy last month of the year!

I am a tourist and I am loving it!

Woke up the third time the alarm went off, and put on my shoes and off I went. Relentlessly jogged for 20 minutes, soaking kolkata streets in. The early morning chaiwalas preparing for their first customers, vegetable vendors sprinkling water over their comodities, and more and more activities that i could glance through as I brisked away smiling.          

To coldplay  ' speed of sound' I matched my feet, drops of sweat at the edge of my chin. Pleasure redefined!

Reached my hotel and greeted my new friend, jha sahab (sunil jha,  U.P. se) sipping tea by the gate. After my one hour walk last evening, I had sat down getting to know him . He was finishing dinner that his wife had made, a heap of puris and aalloo ki bhaji. He said his wife makes it the best. Happy thought. Sorted my evening..

so had another jha who drove us from howrah station to our hotel at elgin road. With his toothy(of little that was left there) smile, he had guided us through the way.

I must say, I love this process of getting to know new cities  through the eyes of these people who tell you the basics. Jha the cab driver said  'victoria memorial. .tch tch..usme toh sab woh raani ka pahanne ka aur woh ghumne jaati thi toh pahanne ka aur aisa sab bhara he..konsa majja ye saab dekhne me'

 Though jha saab, please check it out, its quite awesome, Victoria Memorial.

I met babupyaare, omelette wala in the evening. You know what's great? I got a double yummy omelette for 8 bucks! And the sincerity with which they made food by the road on his little stall, him and mohan, his brother. I was so moved with the little money they charged for such a yummy dish that the next day I went back for omelette and kulhad daal fry. Babupyaare has two children, one in 2nd and the other in 7th. He opens his stall at 8 in the morning, preparing for the day and runs it till 11 in the night. After packing 3 kulhad wali daal and double omelette, he asked for just 52 rs. I was like,  'What! ?' Gave him 70 and explained that he wasnt making any profit. He laughed, returning 20 back, discounting 2 and smiling a humble smile. I didnt push.

The moment I had put my bags in the hotel the day we had reached kolkata,  I had just walked off to grab a beer. Not finding a single wine shop,  I settled  into' Don Giovanni' a chinese restaurant and bar and ordered a tall glass of blue lagoon. Oh! The pleasure of sitting there by myself. I asked for a pen and scribbled down random happy thoughts on a paper napkin smiling and feeling good. Vijay, a waiter approached with a broad smile,  'kahan se aaye he? '


I am tourist. I look like one. And the feeling is so awesome.  People don't matter,  they don't know me, so I am fearless.  I have the liberty to be myself.  A new city lets me not be bound by people. Let's me be. Something I plan to adhere into routine too.

Only the last night that I spent in kolkata gave me a scary moment that I might hold onto for a long long time. Just as I had come back from my walk I saw the hotel caretaker taking a huge Labrador mixed breed for a walk. It was so golden and big and looked so adorable I just went close to it. It let me caress him for almost 20 seconds before just like that hit barked ferociously,  attacking me. And I swear! He put his paws on my chest and we were face to face! And he scratched me as I moved back in defense and bit on my tee to not let go off his prey or whatever!

But the next morning he shaked  my hand...

I am in Darjeeling now! The place with tiny lil eyes and tinier lanes...



I can see they know I am a tourist as they see me walking around fearlessly by myself, smiling...

19.05.13

Since the longest time, I haven’t been able to share anything I write. In fact I haven’t even been able to pull it through to the end or save them. I type and pen down rampantly as thoughts storm by and delete half way as I glance at the words I have typed or worse tear the paper down.  

My existence to this point has been a disturbing one. I say disturbing, because I have been living to win, running wildly, putting pressure on myself to be the best.

If I write I can express the deepest that there is in me but if its ugly, I fear sharing it. Fear of being judged, fear of not being accepted, of being questioned, of not being appreciated, the pressure I have lived with to be IDEAL.

A pattern I have been trending for as long as I can remember. My need to be the ideal friend, ideal daughter, ideal girl friend, ideal wife, ideal daughter in law, ideal mother, ideal employee had somewhere killed who I really I was.

\

Ssshh… not tad bit close to ideal.

Now quickly, I will let out. I have screamed as everyone leaves and I used to be by myself. I have wept as I drove alone. I have scribbled wildly as I sat in my company. I have thrown things around in frustration when no one was around. And sadly I have hurt myself in more ways than one…

I have to this point found no pleasure as much as I have treasured frustrations of not being acknowledged for all the freaking effort I put in.

I write this today, and have promised a friend that nomatter how shallow, ugly or unacceptable, I will finish what I want to write and be in peace with it too. A lot to accomplish for a person like me.

You won’t gauge the disappointments I live in if you meet me. My passion, quite contradictorily is happiness, nomatter what I am doing, I love being happy and ensuring happiness for the people I am with and as I mentioned, I run that extra freaking stupid mile to ensure it too.. I don’t fake happiness, because I haven’t really been happy or content for the longest time I have known, but day in and day out, I pick on small happiness that I can foster and embrace till I choke myself.

As I write, I come off desperate, but what the heck! In my desperation, I have resorted to alcohol, smoking, wandering off in absolute strangeness. I have gone to a point of bankruptcy to experience happiness as I gave away money to needy trying to bite off on charity just so I feel happy. I have been needy, I have been demanding, I have been expecting and I have been waiting, and waiting and waiting some more…to a point where just like that, everything just slipped away. All that I was holding onto.

I will share a little story here, prelude of which I have already given … a year or more back, I was surrounded by family and friends, but I cant explain the epitome of loneliness I have experienced. I woke up everyday, feeling empty, feeling unwanted and feeling judged. I still pressurized myself to be ideal and fight the adversity. Let the unfair happen, I even told my self a story to convince myself that I deserved the treatment I received. It went on, being rejected at every effort I put in and being picked on and turned         to only when I could be of some benefit. I felt trapped. I woke up every morning with a new plan to somehow change everything, feeling exhausted by noon and resorting to a glass of 90 ml whisky, rum, vodka or whatever I could get my hands on. By afternoon, the spark would come back to only be gone by evening for me to get on with some more drinking and smoking. How I managed all that still faking normal is a miracle and a sad story.

Because I battled loneliness and mastered a happy exterior and when finally I was freed from it, noone believed I was in pain. Anyway. It went on for a long time, until one day when the whole thing came crashing down and I had to live a new life suddenly.

I had a ruined skin surface due to excessive smoking and drinking and I weighed 18 kgs more than I should have. And I was left to start anew!

Here is where my purpose of writing would justify. For the first few days, I lived in denial, felt lonely, cried my heart out at the drop of hat, but a point came, and thank god it did, where enough was enough.

I woke up one morning, and I ran… for the first few steps that I did, my feet hurt but I felt my heart beating at an unusual pace, a pace that begged I continued. I didn’t stop, this was my time to throw away all my competitiveness. I ran wildly, and I weeped as I did.

Day after day as I ran, I felt layers falling off me, a sudden weight loss and a new found confidence enveloping around me. I was getting undone. I was exploring things I had closed shut my eyes to. I felt good and felt no guilt for it. I met a new person in me and you know what? I love her!

And even though its abrupt, that’s it. I gotto get back to exploring and be back on this journey.