Patterns

It's easy to throw the anchor
With this warmth creeping up
Encroaching all inhibitions 
Changing all perceptions 
But I have sailed and stayed put
Held and deserted 
Recovered from pain 
Just to fall again! 

Claiming

And just like that
Unguarded I stood
Expecting nothing
Anticipations none
And you came in
From a long time ago
Claiming what's yours 
Triggering emotions
I had learnt to let go off

Intentions

When every step is calculated
We often assume the consequences
Expecting nuances from before 
Anticipating to be one more

These emotions as misleading
Come from a heart that's learnt its lessons
Knows its way around
Having roughed up here often

Myra

she came around as an ageless elegance. The only truth she knew then was that nothing mattered as long as she was in love. His presence was not as important as his essence. She always felt him, she always had him with her. In thoughts, words, actions & intentions. But it was effortless, even inspiring, this love or the illusion that kept her guarded against the world. It didn't matter. She had begun a journey of love and with challenges she hadn't foreseen or was prepared for. She fell in love with herself when she thought of being desired by him.

Everyday she realised she had to love a little harder to make up for the lack of love she felt. She enveloped herself in immense love, with a wall that allowed her to not break, crumble or fall. He was thankful because... he leaned on. Love ever so arranged between two, keeping company was natural, even in the lack of it. 

But before she could gather perseverance to grow her roots, she had already tasted too many soils. Love was just one chapter. What unrolled after was a mix bag of confrontations, frustrations, compassion, tragedy, recovery, and a redemption. And she never considered herself special and was agitated to reveal her journey, scared of judgments, feeling guilty for things she had no control over or had any intention to happen. Life unrolled mindlessly, leaving her unguarded and in a mess. She would pick herself up everyday to start another day, struggling to even go with the flow! Just floating was not meant for warriors like her. She was a survivor and that's what she did best... survive!

Love

There she goes blazing again
Unaware as she moves
Unguarded and careless 
Yet again
Skipping heartbeats on impulses 
Looking beyond the camouflage 
Ducking a little, missing the puddle
She opens her eyes, but only a little

"Is he blaming you for doubting him?"

"Yes. I feel bad, confused & a heaviness in my heart that I am unable to wade off"

"C'mon! It wasn't you...it was because of the situation you were in, you couldn't have reacted any other way "

"I guess you are right. I did feel instigated"

INSTIGATED.
Words have power, so we have heard more than once. but do we really believe it?
I end up accepting most uncomfortable situations by ensuring the blame is not on me. In fact, also would spend endless hours trying to crack the situation, by going into micro details, judging every aspect of the situation, analyzing, trying to look for the comfort of justification.

"She shouldn't have screamed...he shouldn't have made me feel that way... that man is very rude.... this girl should have manners... he has no idea... it's unfair... "

Our biggest fear, therefore isn't being subjected to injustice only, but to be sure that we are not to be blamed. The one who feels guilty goes through a tremendous pressure of evaluating his/her self worth.
'how can I be wrong? if what I believe is not true... So I just didn't assume!'

Its more or less like performance anxiety. The need to be right then becomes a necessary element of our being, making us capable of quick defenses and reactions. This never ending journey for the need to be right. Do we take enough time to ask the right questions?

But all our reactions and responses are only aggregate of what we have understood. Or should I say, limited to what we know... doubt is a reflection of unresolved issues within us.. One doesn't confuse curiosity with doubt. With doubt comes conviction, blame.

The Magic of Reciprocation

As simple as the meaning of the word reciprocation is, it is just as difficult to understand to put it to practice. To reciprocate, one has to be present in a situation completely, with full attention, otherwise reciprocation has a few mean friends who show up instead, unwanted-ly like an "impulsive reaction" or "defense" or worse, "comparison".

As kids, we were taught comprehension, where we had to read a paragraph and answer the questions asked, only from that paragraph. I think that was a useful exercise; keeping it contextual.

But with piled up experiences of human connections, emotions, memories & feelings, our intentions, thoughts, words & consequently, actions are influenced continuously. We find it difficult to separate ourselves from repeating patterns of hurt, deceit & disappointment. While this happens, I have heard a lot of people say, 'This always happens with me' and they focus on ALWAYS HAPPENS rather than why? The need to dig deeper, look beyond is very easily categorized as over-thinking by people who find comfort in not confronting their own ways of life. Their patterns. Our patterns.

Now people being people, are dynamic in nature and do not comprise of a general single way of life. That leaves us with a complex task & confusion of understanding all the people around us, understand their intentions & actions. We would be infuriating the whole time with thoughts and analysis.. "She talked to me like this because she has a grudge against me.." ... "He always behaves like that with me..." ... "She is jealous of me" .... "He can't stand me..." ... "She purposely doesn't want me to succeed.." ... "He's insecure, that's why he questions me.." ... "He wants me to fail.."..

What we get, if you think, as a conclusion is nothing more than a reflection of our thoughts about what other people might think. After hours of research, analysis & judgments, you are only left with what you know and how much you know. Then in this case would it be simpler to work on a single person. One thing at a time kind of thing. Who would you pick, if you had to change just one person?


It's far easier for us to conclude how people need to change and in what areas. We are even quick to extend a hand for the ones we see in need and we are eager to help someone out by listening to them and coming up with life hacks. But carelessly so, we ignore ourselves. We may think, it's just me.. and it's alright! But regardless of your esteemed judgments of others, you will agree that you have no control over other's behavior.

Better said than done, isn't it? We feel INSTIGATED to initiate change in others. Words have power, so we have heard more than once. but do we really believe it? I end up accepting most uncomfortable situations by ensuring the blame is not on me. In fact, also would spend endless hours trying to crack the situation, by going into micro details, judging every aspect of the situation, analyzing, trying to look for the comfort of justification.

"She shouldn't have screamed...he shouldn't have made me feel that way... that man is very rude.... this girl should have manners... he has no idea... it's unfair... "

Our biggest fear, therefore isn't being subjected to injustice only, but to be sure that we are not to be blamed. The one who feels guilty goes through a tremendous pressure of evaluating his self worth & make change within. Its more or less like performance anxiety. The need to be right then becomes a necessary element of our being, making us capable of quick defenses and reactions.

Our finger is pointing at an element we have no control over, more so, not towards the one we can control and change.

The mirror pines for an eye contact
It has things to tell you
Things you know
Things that are you
It craves for attention
Whilst you just look through

Expectations make reality look like injustice

#1. It is what it is.

Learn, accept and keep moving on!

How do I explain this negative energy growing inside me to shut the fuck up while convincing me of the downside of every situation and lack the very intent for fearless authenticity of feelings.

When in a situation that doesn't go according to our expectations/plans, we talk endlessly about how this situation is not right, we lose interest to be there. But we still go back running to it because we want to! When expectations form an illusion of all that you rightly deserve, you end up feeding your thoughts on the negative. You begin to believe you are miserable and slowly lose capacity for rationality.

This negative energy is born out of and an aggregate of what we know, what we have felt, our self designated demons, impressions from our past experiences, and of how much we have allowed ourselves to know. It paralyzes our basic need for empathy, blurs our vision from all the good things.

When you continually obsess about something in particular, you end up blowing it out of proportions. You start expecting and making up lists about things you deserve that this particular situation has not been able to live upto. You put on your judgments as a parameter to write people off.

Your expectations make your reality look like injustice. Resulting in making you helpless towards what it is. Nothing is ever good enough. Your projection of disappointment is so bright and clear that it fogs your vision towards what it really is.

A Year Older.. Wiser? :|

It's my last grip on my twenties
Just another number
I have piled experiences of more
And glad that I chose to try

Every setback, every failure
All the matches I lost
Makes me realize
How stupid I was

But I saw a life unexplored by many
Experienced things too early
Chose to be hurt
Found things, earlier not known

I fought very hard and very long
But maybe not till the end
Because in this battle
The enemy was shattered

I stand over it's scattered pieces
And look around
At the thousands of tiny reflections
That broke the beast in the mirror

I am unwrapping
The silence that's been kept away
The voices in my head
Have lost track of thought

I would be a year older
But many folds experienced
And still much less
When it comes to begin 'living'!

Last month

Clothes, books, places, things
Diaries, notes, poems, bills
A list of songs I always sing
A collection of videos & stills

Some new analogies revealed
Ruined strings of failed relationships undone
I was okay all along
But the taste of happiness is addictive

Growing older seemed dull
Painting a picture with colors so dark
Now, I see frames that leave me stunned
Reality, in contrast to perspective, so stark

Memories that will be cherished
Making disappointments fade away
Am prepared to say goodbye
As the new year makes it's way!

Happy last month of the year!