I am a tourist and I am loving it!

Woke up the third time the alarm went off, and put on my shoes and off I went. Relentlessly jogged for 20 minutes, soaking kolkata streets in. The early morning chaiwalas preparing for their first customers, vegetable vendors sprinkling water over their comodities, and more and more activities that i could glance through as I brisked away smiling.          

To coldplay  ' speed of sound' I matched my feet, drops of sweat at the edge of my chin. Pleasure redefined!

Reached my hotel and greeted my new friend, jha sahab (sunil jha,  U.P. se) sipping tea by the gate. After my one hour walk last evening, I had sat down getting to know him . He was finishing dinner that his wife had made, a heap of puris and aalloo ki bhaji. He said his wife makes it the best. Happy thought. Sorted my evening..

so had another jha who drove us from howrah station to our hotel at elgin road. With his toothy(of little that was left there) smile, he had guided us through the way.

I must say, I love this process of getting to know new cities  through the eyes of these people who tell you the basics. Jha the cab driver said  'victoria memorial. .tch tch..usme toh sab woh raani ka pahanne ka aur woh ghumne jaati thi toh pahanne ka aur aisa sab bhara he..konsa majja ye saab dekhne me'

 Though jha saab, please check it out, its quite awesome, Victoria Memorial.

I met babupyaare, omelette wala in the evening. You know what's great? I got a double yummy omelette for 8 bucks! And the sincerity with which they made food by the road on his little stall, him and mohan, his brother. I was so moved with the little money they charged for such a yummy dish that the next day I went back for omelette and kulhad daal fry. Babupyaare has two children, one in 2nd and the other in 7th. He opens his stall at 8 in the morning, preparing for the day and runs it till 11 in the night. After packing 3 kulhad wali daal and double omelette, he asked for just 52 rs. I was like,  'What! ?' Gave him 70 and explained that he wasnt making any profit. He laughed, returning 20 back, discounting 2 and smiling a humble smile. I didnt push.

The moment I had put my bags in the hotel the day we had reached kolkata,  I had just walked off to grab a beer. Not finding a single wine shop,  I settled  into' Don Giovanni' a chinese restaurant and bar and ordered a tall glass of blue lagoon. Oh! The pleasure of sitting there by myself. I asked for a pen and scribbled down random happy thoughts on a paper napkin smiling and feeling good. Vijay, a waiter approached with a broad smile,  'kahan se aaye he? '


I am tourist. I look like one. And the feeling is so awesome.  People don't matter,  they don't know me, so I am fearless.  I have the liberty to be myself.  A new city lets me not be bound by people. Let's me be. Something I plan to adhere into routine too.

Only the last night that I spent in kolkata gave me a scary moment that I might hold onto for a long long time. Just as I had come back from my walk I saw the hotel caretaker taking a huge Labrador mixed breed for a walk. It was so golden and big and looked so adorable I just went close to it. It let me caress him for almost 20 seconds before just like that hit barked ferociously,  attacking me. And I swear! He put his paws on my chest and we were face to face! And he scratched me as I moved back in defense and bit on my tee to not let go off his prey or whatever!

But the next morning he shaked  my hand...

I am in Darjeeling now! The place with tiny lil eyes and tinier lanes...



I can see they know I am a tourist as they see me walking around fearlessly by myself, smiling...

19.05.13

Since the longest time, I haven’t been able to share anything I write. In fact I haven’t even been able to pull it through to the end or save them. I type and pen down rampantly as thoughts storm by and delete half way as I glance at the words I have typed or worse tear the paper down.  

My existence to this point has been a disturbing one. I say disturbing, because I have been living to win, running wildly, putting pressure on myself to be the best.

If I write I can express the deepest that there is in me but if its ugly, I fear sharing it. Fear of being judged, fear of not being accepted, of being questioned, of not being appreciated, the pressure I have lived with to be IDEAL.

A pattern I have been trending for as long as I can remember. My need to be the ideal friend, ideal daughter, ideal girl friend, ideal wife, ideal daughter in law, ideal mother, ideal employee had somewhere killed who I really I was.

\

Ssshh… not tad bit close to ideal.

Now quickly, I will let out. I have screamed as everyone leaves and I used to be by myself. I have wept as I drove alone. I have scribbled wildly as I sat in my company. I have thrown things around in frustration when no one was around. And sadly I have hurt myself in more ways than one…

I have to this point found no pleasure as much as I have treasured frustrations of not being acknowledged for all the freaking effort I put in.

I write this today, and have promised a friend that nomatter how shallow, ugly or unacceptable, I will finish what I want to write and be in peace with it too. A lot to accomplish for a person like me.

You won’t gauge the disappointments I live in if you meet me. My passion, quite contradictorily is happiness, nomatter what I am doing, I love being happy and ensuring happiness for the people I am with and as I mentioned, I run that extra freaking stupid mile to ensure it too.. I don’t fake happiness, because I haven’t really been happy or content for the longest time I have known, but day in and day out, I pick on small happiness that I can foster and embrace till I choke myself.

As I write, I come off desperate, but what the heck! In my desperation, I have resorted to alcohol, smoking, wandering off in absolute strangeness. I have gone to a point of bankruptcy to experience happiness as I gave away money to needy trying to bite off on charity just so I feel happy. I have been needy, I have been demanding, I have been expecting and I have been waiting, and waiting and waiting some more…to a point where just like that, everything just slipped away. All that I was holding onto.

I will share a little story here, prelude of which I have already given … a year or more back, I was surrounded by family and friends, but I cant explain the epitome of loneliness I have experienced. I woke up everyday, feeling empty, feeling unwanted and feeling judged. I still pressurized myself to be ideal and fight the adversity. Let the unfair happen, I even told my self a story to convince myself that I deserved the treatment I received. It went on, being rejected at every effort I put in and being picked on and turned         to only when I could be of some benefit. I felt trapped. I woke up every morning with a new plan to somehow change everything, feeling exhausted by noon and resorting to a glass of 90 ml whisky, rum, vodka or whatever I could get my hands on. By afternoon, the spark would come back to only be gone by evening for me to get on with some more drinking and smoking. How I managed all that still faking normal is a miracle and a sad story.

Because I battled loneliness and mastered a happy exterior and when finally I was freed from it, noone believed I was in pain. Anyway. It went on for a long time, until one day when the whole thing came crashing down and I had to live a new life suddenly.

I had a ruined skin surface due to excessive smoking and drinking and I weighed 18 kgs more than I should have. And I was left to start anew!

Here is where my purpose of writing would justify. For the first few days, I lived in denial, felt lonely, cried my heart out at the drop of hat, but a point came, and thank god it did, where enough was enough.

I woke up one morning, and I ran… for the first few steps that I did, my feet hurt but I felt my heart beating at an unusual pace, a pace that begged I continued. I didn’t stop, this was my time to throw away all my competitiveness. I ran wildly, and I weeped as I did.

Day after day as I ran, I felt layers falling off me, a sudden weight loss and a new found confidence enveloping around me. I was getting undone. I was exploring things I had closed shut my eyes to. I felt good and felt no guilt for it. I met a new person in me and you know what? I love her!

And even though its abrupt, that’s it. I gotto get back to exploring and be back on this journey.